What to Say When Someone Dies

Spoken lines for the moment you hear, the receiving line, the phone call and the weeks afterwards. All of them are short, because that is what works out loud.

The moment you hear

You will have about two seconds and no preparation. Any of these buys you the time to listen.

1 Oh, I am so sorry.
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2 That is awful. I am so sorry.
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3 I am so sorry. Do you want to talk, or do you want me to talk?
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4 I am sorry. When did it happen?
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5 I am so sorry. What do you need in the next two days?
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At the service, in the receiving line

Seconds, with people behind you. Short is correct here, not lazy.

6 I am so sorry for your loss.
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7 I am so sorry. He was lovely.
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8 Thinking of you. I am glad I could be here.
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9 I loved her. I am so sorry.
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10 No words. Just so sorry.
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11 I am sorry. She was very good to me.
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When you did not know the person who died

12 I never met him, but I know what he meant to you.
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13 I am sorry. I am here for you, not for the formalities.
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14 I did not know her, but I know you, and I am sorry you are carrying this.
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On the phone, or in a message

15 No need to reply to this. Just thinking of you.
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16 I will ring on Sunday at six. If you do not want to talk, do not pick up.
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17 I am sorry. I will keep messaging and you never have to answer.
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18 Tell me one job I can take off you today.
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Offers instead of questions

Every question is a small task handed to a grieving person. Statements and dated offers are gifts.

19 I am bringing dinner Tuesday. Do not cook.
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20 I will drive you. Tell me what time.
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21 I am taking the kids Saturday morning. Not asking.
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22 I have put your bins out and I will keep doing it.
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23 I will handle the phone calls. Send me the list.
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24 I am free Friday. Tell me on Thursday what to spend it on.
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Weeks and months later

This is the conversation almost everyone avoids, and the one bereaved people say they wanted.

25 How are you doing, really?
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26 I have been thinking about your dad this week.
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27 Tell me something about her I do not know.
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28 Is today a hard one?
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29 Still thinking of you.
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30 I still miss him. Is it alright to say that?
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When you genuinely do not know what to say

31 I do not know what to say.
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32 I am not going to pretend I know what this is like.
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33 I have no words, but I am here.
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34 Can I just sit with you?
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35 I am useless at this and I am still not going anywhere.
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What not to say

1She is in a better placeOnly if you are certain they share that belief. To someone who does not, it is an argument.
2Everything happens for a reasonIt asks the grieving person to go and find the reason.
3At least he did not suffer / at least she had a long lifeNothing beginning "at least" has ever helped anyone.
4I know exactly how you feelEven after your own loss, it moves the conversation onto you.
5Let me know if you need anythingIt sounds generous and it is a task. Name one thing and a day.
6How are you? — as a greetingIt forces a performance. Ask "how are you doing, really?" or say nothing.
7Time healsBeing told this in week one is its own small injury.
8Nothing at all, because you are afraid of saying the wrong thingThis is the most common choice and the one people remember as coldness.

Questions people actually ask

What is the best thing to say when someone dies?

"I am so sorry" and then silence. It is complete, it is impossible to get wrong, and it leaves room for them to say something if they want to.

Is it better to say something clumsy or say nothing?

Something clumsy. Bereaved people consistently report that the silence of friends hurt more than any awkward sentence.

What do you say if you did not know the person who died?

Say so plainly and turn toward the person in front of you instead. Inventing a connection is obvious.

Should I ask how they died?

No. Wait to be told. If they want you to know, they will say.

What can I say weeks later without reopening it?

Use the name and keep it light: "I was thinking about your mum this week." It gives them the option to talk without requiring it.