How to Write a Eulogy
A eulogy is three to five minutes long, which is about 500 words. Below is a structure you can fill in tonight, a finished example, and the order to write it in when you have no idea where to start.
Fill-in template
Read it aloud once you have filled it. If it runs past five minutes, cut the second story, not the ending.
My name is YOUR NAME and NAME was my RELATIONSHIP.
Most of you knew him/her as THE PUBLIC THING — the job, the role, the thing everyone saw. What I want to tell you about is THE SMALLER, TRUER THING.
ONE STORY. Somewhere specific, one other person, one thing said or done. Sixty to ninety seconds.
That was NAME exactly. THE TRAIT THE STORY PROVES, every time, without making anything of it.
He/She leaves WHO IS LEFT — name them. And he/she leaves THE THING THAT CARRIES ON — a habit, a phrase, a way of doing something that people in this room now do.
CLOSING LINE, spoken to the person, not about them.
A finished example, about three minutes
Written for this site as a model of length and shape. Swap every fact for your own.
My name is Anna and Ray was my father-in-law for twenty-two years.
Most of you knew Ray as the man who ran the yard on Camden Street for thirty-one years and never once, as far as anyone can establish, took a holiday. What I want to tell you about is his kettle.
When I first came to the house, in 1998, I was twenty-three and terrified. Ray did not ask me a single question. He put the kettle on, handed me a mug, and told me a very long story about a van he had bought in 1974 that had turned out to be two vans welded together. By the end of it I had stopped shaking. I understood years later that this was deliberate — that he had a story for exactly that purpose, and that he had used it on every nervous person who ever came through that door.
That was Ray exactly. He never asked you how you were. He just made the room easier to be in and waited.
He leaves Margaret, his wife of fifty-four years. He leaves Paul and Michael, and six grandchildren, three of whom are here and three of whom are outside, being loud, which he would have preferred. And he leaves a house where nobody is ever allowed to sit down without being handed something hot.
Thank you, Ray. Put the kettle on. We will be along.
Write it in this order
Almost everyone starts at the beginning, gets stuck, and runs out of time. Start in the middle instead.
- 1
One. Write the story first. Not the introduction — the story. One place, one other person, one thing said.
- 2
Two. Write the sentence that says what the story proves about them. That is the spine of the whole eulogy.
- 3
Three. Write the list of who is left. Say their names out loud as you write, and check the spellings and the relationships with someone else.
- 4
Four. Write the last line. Speak it to them, not about them. This is the line people remember.
- 5
Five. Write the opening last, when you already know what the piece is. It is only two sentences: who you are, and what most people knew them as.
On the day
The mechanics matter more than the writing.
- 6
Print it in 14pt or larger, on one side only, and number the pages. Do not read from a phone — the screen dims and your hands shake.
- 7
Give a copy to one other person before the service and ask them to be ready to finish it. This is normal and it is not defeat.
- 8
If you break down, stop and breathe. Everyone in that room is on your side and nobody is timing you.
- 9
Speak slower than feels right. Grief speeds you up by about a third.
Questions people actually ask
How long should a eulogy be?
Three to five minutes, which is 400 to 700 words read aloud at a slow pace. Time yourself reading it out loud, not in your head — speaking is about a third slower than reading.
Who normally gives the eulogy?
Usually one or two people: a child, a sibling, a close friend, or a colleague. There is no rule, and a funeral director will happily read it for you if nobody in the family can.
What if I cannot get through it?
Give a printed copy to someone else beforehand and agree that they will step in. It happens at a large share of funerals and no one thinks any less of you.
Can I be funny in a eulogy?
Yes, if they were funny. A room that has been crying for twenty minutes is grateful for a laugh. Aim it at the person you loved, never at anyone in the room.
Do I have to mention everyone in the family?
Name the immediate family, and check the list with someone else before the day. Omitting a partner or a child is the mistake that causes lasting hurt.