Words of Encouragement for a Mother
Mothers get advice by the sackful and reassurance almost never. The useful message tells her she is doing it well and then offers to take something off her.
- The two halves
- Tell her she is doing it well. Then take one job off her without being asked.
- The thing to leave out
- Advice. She has had plenty, most of it contradictory, most of it from strangers.
Short, and welcome at any hour
- 1
You are doing brilliantly. That is all.
- 2
No advice, no questions. Just — well done.
- 3
Thinking of you at four in the morning, which I suspect is where you are.
- 4
She is lucky. I hope somebody has said so today.
For a new mother
The first twelve weeks. Reassurance, not instruction.
- 5
Nobody knows what they are doing. You are doing it anyway, which is the job.
- 6
You are three weeks in. Three weeks. Be a good deal kinder to yourself.
- 7
He is fed, warm and loved. Everything else this week is optional.
- 8
You do not have to enjoy every minute. Nobody does, whatever they post.
For a mother of small children
- 9
The days are relentless and nobody sees most of it. I see it.
- 10
You have kept three people alive and fed today. That is a full day’s work by any measure.
- 11
Standards are meant to slip in this phase. That is what the phase is.
For a mother of teenagers
- 12
You are getting the worst of her because you are the safest person she has. It is horrible and it is a compliment.
- 13
This is the stage where you get no thanks and do the most work. It does come back.
- 14
You are not losing him. He is just not available at the moment.
For a single mother
- 15
You are doing the job of two people and doing it well, and I do not think anybody says that to you often enough.
- 16
There is nobody to hand over to at the end of your day. I know that, and I am not pretending otherwise.
- 17
Give me a night. Any night. I am serious and I will keep asking.
When she is exhausted and will not admit it
- 18
You are allowed to be worn out. It is not a verdict on how much you love them.
- 19
Say yes when people offer. You would want your daughter to.
- 20
Go to bed. The washing has waited this long.
Offering something concrete
The most valuable half of this page. Specific, and already decided.
- 21
I am taking them Saturday morning. Do not tidy for me.
- 22
Food is coming Thursday. You do not have to be dressed.
- 23
I am walking the dog anyway. Give me the pram and go and sleep.
Questions people actually ask
What do you say to encourage a mother?
Tell her she is doing it well, and take one thing off her without being asked. Reassurance plus a specific offer is the whole formula — advice is the part to leave out.
What do you say to a new mother who is struggling?
Say that nobody knows what they are doing, that the baby is fed and loved, and that everything else is optional this week. Then bring food without asking whether she wants any.
What should you not say to a mother?
Unsolicited advice, "enjoy every minute", "sleep when the baby sleeps", and any comparison to another mother. All four are common and all four land as criticism.