Words of Encouragement, and How to Word Them
Encouragement fails when it argues. Say you can see how hard it is, say one true thing about them, offer one concrete thing — and do not tell them it will all work out, because you do not know that.
- The formula
- Acknowledge, then affirm, then offer. "This is hard." / "You are good at this." / "I am free Thursday."
- The thing to cut
- Silver linings. "Everything happens for a reason" is the single most resented sentence in this whole category.
- If you do not know what is wrong
- You do not need to. "I do not know what is going on but I am here" is a complete message.
- If you are worried they are in danger
- A message is the wrong tool. Ring them, go round, or get someone who can be there in person.
If you would rather fill in the blanks
Three sentences: acknowledge, affirm, offer. It works by text, card or email.
Name — this is hard / I know this week has been rough.
One true thing about them, with evidence: you have got through worse / you are good at this and here is when I saw it.
I am free Thursday / dropping food round / taking the kids on Saturday. No reply needed.
Short enough to send right now
The message that arrives today beats the perfect one you draft for a week.
- 1
Thinking of you today.
- 2
No reply needed. Just so you know I am here.
- 3
This is a rough one. I am not going anywhere.
- 4
Checking in. How are you doing, honestly?
- 5
You are on my mind more than you would guess.
When you do not know what is wrong
You do not have to name it. Naming that you have noticed is enough and often more welcome.
- 6
I do not know what is going on, and you do not have to tell me. I am here either way.
- 7
Something is off and I am not going to pry. But I am about, whenever.
- 8
You have seemed like you are carrying something. No questions — just say the word.
Acknowledging it, without fixing it
The first move, and the one most people skip. Nothing you say afterwards works if this is missing.
- 9
This is genuinely hard and you are not making a fuss.
- 10
You are allowed to find this difficult. Most people would.
- 11
I am not going to tell you it is fine, because it is not. But you are not on your own in it.
- 12
Anyone would be struggling with this. You are not doing it wrong.
One true thing about them
Evidence, not compliments. Something they have actually done that proves the point.
- 13
You got through 2019, which was worse, and I watched you do it.
- 14
You are the most stubborn person I know and I have never been more glad of it.
- 15
You have talked me through three of these. You know more about surviving them than you think.
- 16
You are better in a crisis than you are at admitting you are in one.
Before something hard tomorrow
An interview, a test, a hearing, a conversation they are dreading.
- 17
You have done the work. Go and let them see it.
- 18
Whatever happens tomorrow, ring me after.
- 19
You are more ready than you feel. That gap is normal and it is not information.
- 20
Good luck tomorrow. You have got this and I will be waiting to hear.
When it has already gone wrong
- 21
It did not go your way. That is not the same as you getting it wrong.
- 22
One result is not a verdict on you. It is a result.
- 23
I am sorry. That is a real disappointment and you are allowed to feel it for a while.
- 24
You will want to analyse this to death tonight. Do it tomorrow.
When they have lost a job
- 25
This says something about a company and nothing about you.
- 26
You were good at that job. That does not stop being true today.
- 27
Tell me what would actually help — an introduction, a reference, or just a pint and no career talk.
- 28
Take a fortnight before you decide anything. The panic passes and the decisions get better.
When they are exhausted rather than sad
Different problem, different message. Do not offer hope to someone who needs a night off.
- 29
You are not low, you are shattered. Those need different things.
- 30
Do the minimum this week. Everything else can wait and most of it will.
- 31
You have been running at this for months. Stopping for a day is not quitting.
When it has gone on a long time
Everyone shows up in week one. Almost nobody is still writing in month eight, which is when it is hardest.
- 32
I know it has been months and people have gone quiet. I have not.
- 33
Still thinking of you. That is the entire message.
- 34
It has been a long haul and I have not stopped noticing.
- 35
Month nine. Still here. Still asking.
When you cannot fix it
Most of the time you cannot. Say so plainly rather than pretending otherwise.
- 36
I cannot make this better and I hate that. I can turn up, though.
- 37
There is nothing useful I can say. I am here anyway.
- 38
No advice, no bright side. Just company, if you want it.
Offering something concrete
The most useful sentence in the whole category. "Let me know if you need anything" puts the work on them; a specific offer does not.
- 39
I am dropping food round Thursday. You do not have to talk to me.
- 40
I can take the school run any day next week. Say which.
- 41
I am free Saturday morning. Walk, no talking required.
- 42
Send me the form and I will fill in what I can.
For someone who does not want to talk about it
- 43
Not asking. Just saying hello.
- 44
No update required. I am around if you want a completely unrelated conversation.
- 45
Here is a photograph of a dog. No response needed.
When they are about to give up on something
- 46
You are three-quarters through and it feels worst here. That is where it always feels worst.
- 47
Give it one more month, then decide. Deciding tonight is deciding while tired.
- 48
If you stop, stop because you chose to, not because this week was brutal.
- 49
It is allowed to be too hard. Just make sure that is the real reason.
Encouraging someone without patronising them
The line is roughly this: describe what you can see, do not grade it.
- 50
I am not going to tell you how strong you are. I will say I have watched you do hard things before.
- 51
You do not need a pep talk from me. You need someone to notice, and I have.
- 52
You know your situation better than I do. I just wanted to say I rate you.
The follow-up nobody sends
A week later. This one is remembered longer than the first message, because so few people send it.
- 53
Following up on last week — how did it go?
- 54
Still thinking about you. No reply needed, but the offer stands.
- 55
It has been a fortnight. Are you eating properly? Genuine question.
How to end it
- 56
No reply needed.
- 57
Here whenever.
- 58
Thinking of you, all week.
- 59
Ring me any hour. I mean the stupid ones too.
Questions people actually ask
What are good words of encouragement?
Words that acknowledge the difficulty, say one true and evidenced thing about the person, and offer something concrete. The order matters: affirmation before acknowledgement reads as brushing past the problem.
What do you say to encourage someone going through a hard time?
Say you can see it is hard, say what you know they are capable of and how you know it, and name one specific thing you will do. Avoid predicting the outcome — you cannot, and they know you cannot.
What should you not say when encouraging someone?
"Everything happens for a reason", any sentence beginning "at least", "stay positive", and "let me know if you need anything". The first three dismiss the problem; the last quietly hands the work back to them.
How do you encourage someone without sounding fake?
Use evidence. "You got through 2019 and I watched you do it" is not flattery and cannot be argued with, where "you are so strong" can be.
What do you text someone who is struggling?
Something short that expects no answer: "Thinking of you. No reply needed." The absence of an obligation is the kindness — people in a bad patch have a phone full of messages they owe replies to.
When should you follow up?
About a week later, and then again after a month. Everyone writes in the first few days; hardly anyone writes in week six, which is usually when it is worst.