What to Give for a Bar or Bat Mitzvah
Money, in a multiple of eighteen. That single custom answers most of the question, and knowing why makes the card easier to write.
- The number
- Eighteen, or a multiple of it. The Hebrew letters for eighteen spell chai — life — so the amount itself is the wish.
- Common amounts
- Thirty-six from a friend of the family, fifty-four from a closer one, a hundred and eighty from a grandparent. Closeness sets the multiple, not the maths.
- If you are not Jewish
- The custom is not exclusive. Giving in eighteens is understood as having taken the trouble to find out, and it is always well received.
- The alternative
- Something that lasts and can be inscribed. A gift that gets put on a shelf beats one that gets used up.
Why eighteen
Worth knowing, and worth a sentence in the card if the child is young enough not to know it yet.
- 1
Each Hebrew letter has a numerical value. Chet and yod — the word chai, life — add up to eighteen.
- 2
Giving in multiples of chai turns the amount into a wish for a long life rather than just a sum of money.
- 3
It is why gifts land on thirty-six and fifty-four rather than the round numbers you would otherwise choose.
How much, by who you are
Guidance rather than rules. Families and communities vary, and nobody is counting.
- 4
A school friend or their family: eighteen or thirty-six.
- 5
A family friend or a colleague of the parents: thirty-six to seventy-two.
- 6
A relative: seventy-two to a hundred and eighty, depending on how close.
- 7
A grandparent: whatever they like, and usually a hundred and eighty or more.
Gifts that are not money
- 8
A kiddush cup, a candlestick or a mezuzah — traditional, lasting, and often inscribed with the date.
- 9
Jewellery with a Star of David or a chai pendant, for a bat mitzvah.
- 10
A good pen, a watch, or anything that will still be in a drawer in thirty years.
- 11
A book they will grow into rather than one aimed at thirteen.
Gifts to Israel charities and tree planting
A long-standing option, and a common one from guests who would rather not give cash.
- 12
A donation made in the child’s name, with a certificate to hand over.
- 13
Trees planted in Israel in their name — a traditional gift with a card that arrives afterwards.
- 14
A donation to a cause the family supports, if you know what it is.
Practical points
- 15
Cash or a cheque goes in the card, and the card goes on the gift table or into the hand of a parent.
- 16
On Shabbat, observant families do not handle money. The gift table exists so that nothing changes hands during the day.
- 17
If the invitation names a charity or a fund, follow it — that request is meant.
- 18
Do not bring a large wrapped gift to the synagogue. It goes to the reception.
Questions people actually ask
How much money do you give for a bar mitzvah?
A multiple of eighteen — thirty-six from a friend of the family, fifty-four or seventy-two from someone closer, a hundred and eighty from a grandparent. The multiple carries the meaning, and closeness rather than arithmetic decides which one.
Why do you give eighteen at a bar mitzvah?
The Hebrew letters that spell chai — life — add up to eighteen, so an amount in multiples of eighteen is itself a wish for a long life.
What is a good bat mitzvah gift that is not money?
Something lasting and inscribable: a kiddush cup, a mezuzah, jewellery, a watch, or a donation made in her name. The test is whether it will still exist in thirty years.
Do non-Jewish guests give money in eighteens?
Many do, and it is always well received. It reads as having taken the trouble to find out what the custom is, which is the compliment.
When do you hand over the gift?
At the reception, on the gift table, not during the service. Observant families do not handle money on Shabbat, which is exactly what the table is for.