What to Write in a Bar or Bat Mitzvah Card
Mazel tov, then something about the work rather than the party. Months of study went into the reading you are about to hear, and almost no card mentions it.
- The two words
- Mazel tov. Standard, expected, and correct from Jewish and non-Jewish guests alike.
- The thing to name
- The Torah portion they read and the months of learning behind it. Nearly every card skips it.
- Bar or bat
- Bar mitzvah for a boy, bat mitzvah for a girl. Bat mitzvah is usually at twelve or thirteen depending on the community; bar mitzvah at thirteen.
- If you are not Jewish
- Write as a warm guest. "Mazel tov" plus your own words is right; borrowed Hebrew you do not use is not.
If you would rather fill in the blanks
Mazel tov, name!
Something about the work: the portion, the months of learning, how they read it.
A wish for what comes next.
With love / with best wishes,
Your name
Short and correct
Complete cards. Any of these can be written by a guest of any background.
- 1
Mazel tov! What a day — and what a lot of work behind it.
- 2
Mazel tov on your bar mitzvah. Wishing you every good thing in the years ahead.
- 3
Mazel tov. You did that beautifully and your family could not be prouder.
- 4
Congratulations and mazel tov. It was a privilege to be there.
Naming the work
The strongest thing you can put in this card. They learned a portion in another language and read it in front of everyone they know.
- 5
Months of learning, and it showed. You read it as though you meant it, which is the difficult part.
- 6
Mazel tov. Standing up in front of that many people is hard at any age — you did it at thirteen and made it look easy.
- 7
You have worked at this since last summer. Today was the proof and it was worth every early morning.
- 8
Your d’var Torah was genuinely thoughtful. I have heard adults do it worse.
About what it means
Say it plainly. Grand statements about manhood and womanhood tend to land oddly on a thirteen-year-old.
- 9
You are part of the grown-up conversation now. Ask difficult questions in it.
- 10
You have joined a very long line of people who read those same words. That is worth sitting with.
- 11
Today you took something on. What you do with it from here is yours to decide, and that is the interesting part.
From a close family member
- 12
We have watched you grow into this. Today was the loveliest confirmation of it.
- 13
Your grandfather would have been at the front and would not have stopped talking about it for a year.
- 14
Mazel tov, and thank you for the day. Seeing all of us in one room is its own gift.
- 15
Proud is not a big enough word and I have not found a better one.
From a family friend or a guest
- 16
Mazel tov. Thank you for including us — it was a wonderful day and we were glad to be there.
- 17
With warmest congratulations on your bat mitzvah, and every good wish for what comes next.
- 18
We have known you since you were three. Today was a proper landmark and we were honoured to be there.
From a school friend
- 19
Mazel tov! You smashed it.
- 20
You were so nervous last week and you did not look it once.
- 21
Congratulations. Best party of the year, easily.
A wish for the years ahead
A good closing paragraph when you want more than two lines.
- 22
May you be curious, argumentative in the good way, and kind. In that order.
- 23
Wishing you health, learning and happiness in all the years to come.
- 24
I hope you find something to study that grips you the way this year has.
Mentioning the gift, if you are giving one
Money is traditionally given in multiples of eighteen. If you have done that, one line explaining it is a kindness to a young reader who may not know why.
- 25
The amount is a multiple of eighteen, which stands for life. It is meant as exactly that.
- 26
Something towards the savings, or the trip, or whatever you decide.
- 27
For the fund, the shelf, or the thing your parents will pretend not to know about.
For the parents
Often forgotten, and often the people who most want to hear from you.
- 28
Mazel tov to both of you. You must be extremely proud, and you have earned it.
- 29
A beautiful day, beautifully done. Thank you for having us.
- 30
Watching your son do that must have been something. Congratulations to all three of you.
Hebrew phrases you will hear
Use them if they are yours. If they are not, "mazel tov" alone is entirely correct and nobody expects more.
- 31
Mazel tov — congratulations, literally good fortune. The standard greeting of the day.
- 32
Siman tov u’mazel tov — a good sign and good fortune. Sung rather than written.
- 33
Yasher koach — roughly, well done, said to someone who has just performed a religious honour.
- 34
L’chaim — to life. For the toast, not the card.
From a grandparent
Often the card that gets framed. Reach back further than anyone else in the room can.
- 35
Your great-grandfather would not have believed this day was possible for our family. It was, and you did it.
- 36
I have waited thirteen years for this and it was worth every one of them.
- 37
Mazel tov. You have your grandmother’s stubbornness and I mean that as the compliment it is.
- 38
Four generations of us in one room this morning. That is the whole point of the day.
If you could not be there
Say so plainly, then say what you would have said. Do not spend the card on the apology.
- 39
Sorry to have missed it. I have heard about the reading from three people and all three used the word "confident".
- 40
Mazel tov from a long way away. I was thinking about you all morning at exactly the right hour.
- 41
Gutted to miss it. Enormously proud from here.
For siblings or a group marking it together
B’nai mitzvah — twins, siblings, or a class doing it as a group. Give each of them their own sentence.
- 42
Mazel tov to you both. Two portions, one morning, and neither of you dropped a word.
- 43
You did it together, which is harder rather than easier. Mazel tov to the pair of you.
- 44
Mazel tov to all of you. A whole year’s class, and every one of them stood up and did it.
For an adult bar or bat mitzvah
Increasingly common — people who did not have one at thirteen and choose to do it at forty or seventy. The card is different, and better.
- 45
You did at fifty-eight what most people do at thirteen, and you did it having chosen it. Mazel tov.
- 46
Studying for this around a job and a family is a serious undertaking. Mazel tov — it showed.
- 47
Seventy years to get to this morning, and worth the wait. Mazel tov.
Questions people actually ask
What do you write in a bar mitzvah card?
Mazel tov, then something about the work — the portion they read, the months of learning, how they handled standing up in front of everyone. That is the part almost every card leaves out and the part the family remembers.
What do you say if you are not Jewish?
"Mazel tov" and then your own words. It is the standard greeting and completely appropriate from any guest. Borrowed Hebrew beyond that reads as copied from a list, which it usually is.
Is it bar mitzvah or bat mitzvah?
Bar mitzvah for a boy, at thirteen. Bat mitzvah for a girl, at twelve or thirteen depending on the community. B’nai mitzvah is the plural, used when siblings or a group mark it together.
How much money do you give for a bar mitzvah?
Gifts of money are traditionally given in multiples of eighteen, the number that stands for life — so thirty-six, fifty-four, or a hundred and eighty. The multiple carries the meaning; the amount itself depends on how close you are.
Should you write to the parents as well?
Yes, and hardly anyone does. A line to the parents saying the day was well done is unusual enough to be remembered.
What do you write if you could not attend the bar mitzvah?
Acknowledge missing it in one line and then write the card you would have written. A short apology followed by real warmth reads far better than a long explanation.
What do you write for an adult bar or bat mitzvah?
Mark the choice. An adult chose to do the study around a job and a family, which is a different and larger thing than a thirteen-year-old being taken through it, and saying so is the strongest card available.