Occasion HandbookFunerals 23 examples

What to Say to Someone Whose Mother Has Died

Spoken lines, not written ones. At the door, in the queue, on the phone — you have about six words before you have to stop talking and listen.

At the funeral, in the receiving line

You have seconds and there are people behind you. Short is the correct answer, not the lazy one.

  1. 1 I am so sorry. She was lovely.
    Tone PlainLength Very short
  2. 2 I am so sorry for your loss.
    Tone PlainLength Very short
  3. 3 Thinking of you. I am glad I could be here.
    Tone PlainLength Very short
  4. 4 I am sorry. She was very good to me.
    Tone PlainLength Very short
  5. 5 I loved your mum. I am so sorry.
    Tone WarmLength Very short
  6. 6 No words. Just so sorry.
    Tone PlainLength Very short

On the phone, when you first hear

  1. 7 Oh, I am so sorry. When did it happen?
    Tone PlainLength Very short
  2. 8 I am so sorry. Do you want to talk or do you want me to talk?
    Tone WarmLength Short
  3. 9 That is awful. I am sorry. What do you need in the next two days?
    Tone PlainLength Short
  4. 10 I am so sorry. I am going to ring again on Thursday, and you do not have to pick up.
    Tone WarmLength Short

When you see them weeks later

This is the conversation most people avoid, and the one that is most valued.

  1. 11 How are you doing, really?
    Tone WarmLength Very short
  2. 12 I have been thinking about your mum this week.
    Tone WarmLength Very short
  3. 13 Is it alright if I ask how you are?
    Tone PlainLength Very short
  4. 14 I still miss her. Is it okay to say that?
    Tone WarmLength Very short
  5. 15 Tell me something about her I do not know.
    Tone WarmLength Very short

When you do not know what to say

  1. 16 I do not know what to say.
    Tone PlainLength Very short
  2. 17 I am not going to pretend I know what this is like.
    Tone PlainLength Very short
  3. 18 I have no words but I am here.
    Tone WarmLength Very short
  4. 19 Can I just sit with you?
    Tone PlainLength Very short

What to say instead of asking a question

Every question is a small task. Statements and specific offers are gifts.

  1. 20 I am bringing dinner on Tuesday. Do not cook.
    Tone WarmLength Very short
  2. 21 I will drive you. Tell me what time.
    Tone WarmLength Very short
  3. 22 I am taking the kids Saturday morning.
    Tone WarmLength Very short
  4. 23 I have put your bins out. I will keep doing it.
    Tone PlainLength Very short

Questions people actually ask

What do you say to someone who has lost their mother?

"I am so sorry" is complete. If you knew her, add one specific true thing about her. Then stop talking and let them fill the silence or not.

Is it okay to say nothing at a funeral?

Yes. A hand on the arm and eye contact says everything the receiving line has time for.