How to Write Your Wedding Vows
Vows are about ninety seconds long, which is roughly 180 words. Below is a structure you can fill in tonight, a finished example, and the order to write it in when you are staring at a blank page.
Fill-in template
Write the promises first and the opening last. Read it aloud before deciding it is too short.
NAME, WHAT YOU THOUGHT WHEN YOU FIRST SAW THEM — one sentence, concrete.
I did not expect THE THING THAT SURPRISED YOU ABOUT THEM.
I promise to PROMISE ONE — something small and daily.
I promise to PROMISE TWO — something about how you will behave when it is hard.
I promise to PROMISE THREE — something only the two of you would understand.
And I promise THE BIG ONE, plainly stated.
CLOSING LINE, spoken to them.
A finished example, about ninety seconds
Written for this site as a model of length and shape. Replace every fact.
Priya, you were standing by the kettle at Dan’s flat arguing about whether a tomato is a fruit, and you were losing, and you would not stop.
I did not expect to marry someone who is wrong so confidently and so cheerfully.
I promise to make the first cup of tea, every morning, even the mornings after we have argued.
I promise to tell you when something is wrong on the day it is wrong, and not four days later in a car park.
I promise to keep pretending I have not seen the end of the programme.
And I promise to stay, and to keep choosing this on the days when it is dull and on the days when it is hard.
You were right about the tomato. I have known for eleven years.
Write them in this order
Almost everyone starts at "I promise to love you" and freezes. Start with a specific memory instead.
- 1
One. Write the first-sight moment. A room, a sentence, something you can see.
- 2
Two. Write three promises. One daily, one for the hard days, one private.
- 3
Three. Write the big promise in the plainest words you own.
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Four. Write the closing line, spoken to them, not to the room.
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Five. Write the opening last, once you know what the whole thing is.
How long, in words
Spoken pace at a wedding is much slower than reading pace, and nerves make it slower still.
- 6
Sixty seconds ≈ 120 words.
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Ninety seconds ≈ 180 words — the sweet spot.
- 8
Two minutes ≈ 240 words, and that is the ceiling.
- 9
Time it out loud. Reading in your head will tell you it is a minute shorter than it is.
What makes a promise land
- 10
Specific beats grand. "I will make the tea" outperforms "I will cherish you" every time.
- 11
Promise behaviour, not feeling. You cannot promise to always feel something.
- 12
One private joke, exactly one. Two becomes a bit.
- 13
Say one thing you are not good at and promise to work on it. It is the line people remember.
- 14
Say their name at the start and at the end. It anchors the whole thing.
Traditional vows, and what they actually say
The 1662 Book of Common Prayer and standard civil wording are in the public domain, and your officiant will give you the full text.
- 15
The Anglican form is built on a list of paired opposites — better and worse, richer and poorer, sickness and health — and closes on "till death us do part".
- 16
Standard civil wording is shorter and legally focused: a declaration that you know of no lawful impediment, and a contracting sentence taking the other as your lawful wedded partner.
- 17
The legal words are usually fixed by law and are said in addition to anything personal you write. Ask your registrar or officiant which words are compulsory.
- 18
Many couples say the traditional words for the legal part and their own words afterwards. That is the most common arrangement in Britain and Ireland.
Coordinating with your partner
- 19
Agree the length and the register beforehand: both funny, both serious, or both mixed.
- 20
Agree whether you are reading them to each other or being prompted line by line by the officiant.
- 21
Do not read each other’s. Agreeing the shape is enough and the surprise is the point.
- 22
Agree one thing you will both promise. Hearing the same sentence twice is a good moment.
If writing is not your thing
- 23
Use the repeat-after-me format. The officiant feeds you a line at a time and you cannot lose your place.
- 24
Answer three questions instead: what you noticed first, what you promise, and what you are grateful for.
- 25
Write it as a letter to them and then cut it to a third. The cutting is where it gets good.
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Fifty words said properly is better than two hundred read badly.
On the day
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Print them large, on card not paper, and give a copy to the officiant or the best person.
- 28
Do not memorise. Everyone forgets, and reading is completely normal.
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Speak to your partner, not to the room. The room can hear; it is not for them.
- 30
You will cry or they will. Pause and carry on; nobody minds and nobody is timing you.
Second marriages, and vows with children
- 31
It is entirely normal to acknowledge what came before, briefly and without detail.
- 32
Many couples make a promise to the children as well, by name. It is often the moment of the day.
- 33
Keep any reference to a previous marriage short and generous, or leave it out.
- 34
If a child is old enough, ask whether they want to be named. Some do and some very much do not.
Same-sex and non-traditional ceremonies
- 35
Legal wording is the same in most jurisdictions with equal marriage; only the terms differ.
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If you dislike "husband" or "wife", check what your registrar will accept — "spouse" and "partner" are usually fine.
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Gendered traditional liturgy can be adapted by most officiants. Ask early rather than on the day.
Vow renewals
- 38
A renewal has no legal wording at all, so it is entirely yours.
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The strongest renewals name what has happened since — the house, the illness, the children.
- 40
Twenty-five words is enough for a renewal. It is not a wedding and it does not need one.
Rehearsing them
The rehearsal is where vows get fixed, and almost nobody does it properly.
- 41
Read them aloud, standing, at least three times before the day.
- 42
Read them to one person who is not your partner. A friend, a sibling, the officiant.
- 43
Time every read. Nerves add about fifteen per cent.
- 44
Mark your breathing points on the card. You will need them and you will not think of it on the day.
- 45
If a line makes you cry every single time in rehearsal, keep it — but put an easy line after it.
Who speaks first, and other running order questions
- 46
There is no rule. In most ceremonies the officiant simply addresses one of you first, usually the person who was proposed to.
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Ask your officiant — it is a scheduling decision they make, not a tradition you have to research.
- 48
If one of you is far more nervous, going first is usually easier: less waiting.
- 49
Whoever goes second will be listening rather than rehearsing, which is its own advantage.
Questions people actually ask
How long should wedding vows be?
Ninety seconds, which is about 180 words spoken at wedding pace. Two minutes is the ceiling and most vows that feel too long are over that.
Who says their vows first?
Traditionally the person who was asked, or in many ceremonies whoever the officiant addresses first — usually decided by the officiant rather than by tradition. Ask them; it is a scheduling question, not a rule.
Do you have to say the legal words as well as your own?
In most jurisdictions yes. There is a compulsory contracting sentence, and personal vows are said in addition. Your registrar or officiant will tell you exactly which words cannot be changed.
Is it alright to read your vows rather than memorise them?
Yes, and almost everyone does. Print them large on card. Forgetting them halfway through is far more disruptive than holding a piece of paper.
Can we write vows for a second marriage?
Yes, and acknowledging what came before is normal. Keep it brief and generous, and consider a promise to the children by name.
Should you rehearse your wedding vows out loud?
Yes, standing, at least three times, and to someone who is not your partner. Reading in your head hides both the length and the lines you cannot get through.
Does it matter who says their vows first?
No. The officiant usually decides, and the only practical consideration is that going first means less waiting for a nervous speaker.